Empathy in Action: A Mediation That Healed Neighbors

As a mediator in New Jersey’s municipal courts, I’ve witnessed empathy’s transformative power. A harassment case between two neighbors showed how understanding-based mediation uncovers hidden needs, fostering resolution and sometimes, unexpected connections.

An 89-year-old widow, a retired Jewish teacher who loved gardening, sued her upstairs neighbor, a woman in her 60s, for harassment. For the last five years, in their nine-year shared apartment building in an over-55 community, the widow claimed the neighbor’s noise—footsteps, slammed doors—was intentional torment. The defendant denied malice, saying she was simply living. Both brought adult children to mediation, whose defensiveness deepened the rift, making agreement seem elusive.

Understanding-based mediation prioritizes interests over positions. Rather than arguing about noise, I explored the conflict’s roots. I started with the widow, asking about her daily life. Her sharp demeanor softened as she revealed her loneliness during a private caucus. Since her husband’s death, she’d felt isolated, lonely, and dejected. She’d applied to a senior center to get involved but hadn’t followed up. The noise wasn’t just disturbance, it was a trigger for her grief. Listening with empathy, I validated her feelings, and she visibly relaxed. Finally, someone was listening.

In a private caucus with the defendant, I uncovered her story. Five years ago—the dispute’s start—she lost her son to COVID. Her heavy footsteps reflected grief, not harassment. She’d withdrawn, unaware of her impact downstairs. Her daughter’s protectiveness masked this pain, but alone, she expressed regret. Empathy revealed their shared loss, not just their conflict.

While I spoke with the defendant, a serendipitous moment unfolded outside. The widow, waiting in the municipal annex, struck up a conversation with another recent widower from their complex. They bonded over shared loss and gardening, a chance encounter that lifted her spirits. She continued to explain: “I asked God for a sign. He brought me this woman. I’ll do whatever you tell me to do with this case.” 

Back in mediation, I facilitated a joint session, sharing non-confidential insights with permission. I highlighted their common grounds: gardening, teaching, the terrible losses, and their shared Jewish heritage. I reframed their dispute as human struggle. The defendant offered up some puzzles, agreed to be nice and refrain from videotaping her. The plaintiff agreed to stop venting her anger by hitting the ceiling with a broom stick. Both agreed to work on transforming their relationship. The widow’s new acquaintance inspired her to revive her approach to life, further easing her loneliness. I also side-barred with the adult children and encouraged them to support their mothers in harmony, not conflict. They were reluctant, but then shook hands and agreed they were exhausted and relieved to settle this ongoing dispute.

The case was dismissed, not through legal debate, but because empathy uncovered needs: connection for the widow, understanding for the defendant. Understanding-based mediation asks, “What drives this conflict?” and listens deeply. That annex encounter showed how empathy extends beyond the room, creating ripple effects.

For those facing disputes—small claims, special civil, or family—try asking open-ended questions (e.g., “How’s this impacting you?” and “Tell me about yourself”) and listening without judgment. 

An effective conflict coach should guide clients through these processes, turning conflict into opportunity with empathy at the core.